zipadeedoo

Dear Homeowners Along Broadway:

My feet are wet. My pants are dirty. Your sidewalks are impassable, and had you picked up a shovel at any point in the last four months, they would be clear and dry (take a look at your neighbours across the street, as they did just this). Instead, I had to trudge through six inches of ice and water and slushy snow, trying hard not to break my neck. Thanks a lot for your laziness.


Signed,

Pissed Off Pedestrian

Pick 25 of your favorite movies.
- Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
- Post them here for everyone to guess.
- Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.

For the people guessing:
- No using Google or IMDB


1. To talk about the truth is easy but to live by it is not.

2. Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

3. You don't misbehave here. It's just not done, did you know that? If you don't go to confession, if you don't... dig your flowerbeds, or if you don't pretend, if you don't pretend... that you want nothing more in your life than to serve your husband three meals a day, and give him children, and vacuum under his ass, then... then you're... then you're crazy.

4. If they want to drink Merlot, we're drinking Merlot.
No, if anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!

5. There is something I always wanted to ask you, but never had the courage. All those years ago, why did you say yes to me?
You were the best of the lot.
Huh?
Better than the widower with four children or the cartoonist with one arm. I also liked your shoes.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Hmm, you want me to say "I love you," like the Americans.

6. There is no such thing as a mistake. There are things you do, and things you don't do.

7. I mean, c'mon! I was comparing men to animals!... Which, let's face it, sometimes they are. But sometimes, they are not. Sometimes, you open the barn door, or the bedroom door, or the hospital room door, and you find the real thing. You find a guy that can sit with you when you're at your absolute worst, when your face looks like a punching bag and you're elbow deep in Kleenex, and he can still look at you, and tell you that Ray is not the last man you're ever going to love.

8. Kiss my frozen tushy! Kiss it, kiss it!

9. Dear damn baby, If you ever want to know the story of how we bought your damn crib, I will tell you. Your crib was bought with the money that was supposed to buy me a new life. Every time I lay you down in that damn crib, I'm gonna think, 'Damn baby. Damn Crib. Me stuck like a pin in this damn life.'

10. Don't make me staple your head.

11. I only give the food to the women, Mr. Black. Women make the homes, men just make wars... and hooch. Adam was God's first draft - He got it right with Eve. Tell that to your readers, Mr. Black.

12. That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.

13. Young boys should never be sent to bed... they always wake up a day older.

14. Skadoosh!

15. You gotta be rich to be insane, Hol. Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class.

16. People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.

17. Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!

18. I'll go to your room, but you'll have to seduce me.

19. Who wants a beard?
Well, beatniks for one, folk singers and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!

20. I want you to promise me something. Promise you won't feel sorry for me just because I'm blind.
How can I pity someone I admire?

21. It's not about what happened in the past, or what you think might happen in the future. It's about the ride, for Christ's sake. There is no point in going through all this crap, if your are not going to enjoy the ride. And you know what... when you least expect something great might come along. Something better then you even planned for.

22. The only serious relationship I've been in ended in a broken collarbone and a dead meerkat.

23. If it wasn't for Ram or Allah, we'd still have a mother.

24. That was the day I stopped believing in the wild ardor of things. Perhaps in love, as well. That kind of love. The love in books and films. The love that tells us to abandon our lives and plans, all for one brief touch of Venus. So often we fail at that kind of love. The world just seems too fragile a place for it. And of every other kind, life remains full. Perhaps it's just we who are too fragile.

25. It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

It's hard to believe it's almost Christmas. That's the one thing I've noticed, year after year, being away from my family over the holidays - I don't really pay much attention to major holidays anymore. I buy the bare minimum of presents, and don't celebrate much. I miss my family, and holidays aren't the same without them.

On another note - the James and Marcia and Anna story has an ending, finally. (Also known as J. and E-town chick.)

James and Marcia are married. They had a "surprise" wedding back in October, during a trip to Jamaica. Now, anyone who knows anything knows that surprise overseas weddings just don't happen - they require a fair bit of paperwork to be legal, and scheduling ahead of time at the resort you'll be staying at. The only "surprise" is if the friends and family haven't been told beforehand - so, an elopement.

The thing that got me about it is that James and I had a conversation when we were together, and he talked endlessly about how he wanted his next wedding to be the result of a long term relationship - he wanted everyone to say how long they'd been in love, how long they'd been together. To believe his tale of how the relationship progressed, he and Marcia "eloped" after dating for no more than three months. They moved in together after dating for a month.

I just find the whole story he fed me really hard to believe - that they were never dating long distance, that she just happened to show up here one weekend while we were dating and stay for a week because of bad roads (yet she could drive here on roads that were even worse), that out of respect for her presence he couldn't contact me and let me know what was happening, that they were always just friends until a month after he moved to Edmonton. That he just happened to move to Edmonton where she was because of a job, nothing to do with her, and then just happened to start dating her a month later, then move in with her a month after that, then get married two months later?

Really, I think anyone would have trouble believing this story. It seems far more likely that they were engaged the entire time, hence his need to find a job in Edmonton and move there (and in with her) and get married in October. And he cheated on her with me. Isn't the simplest explanation usually the most likely?

Anyhow, I have asked him not to contact me again. Especially since he asked me to send him photos of me and especially any photos of us together just a month after his wedding - to "reminisce". Ugh. Inappropriate, gross - and so unfair to his wife. For whom I now feel a lot of sympathy.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all - good riddance.

Sad sad. I am so pathetic sometimes.

I spent a good portion of the day curled up in my bedsheets, inhaling J.'s scent.

I miss him.

Let's all say it together - I fall in love with all the wrong men!

I love J. And today, J. told me he is in love with me. He admitted he has been in love with me for some time now, and has been saying everything but those words. Avoiding them.

Tonight, we're heading down to the river, to curl up together under the stars (or, what we can see of the stars in the orange glow of city lights) and cuddle and drink hot chocolate and enjoy our last week together. It's surreal - to be this happy with another person, to be so in tune, knowing that he is leaving. That he is not only leaving, but he is going to be with another woman.

He told me today he has never desired another woman like he desires me. That he has never experience emotions like he experiences with and for me. And I am so fucking confused. Maybe it's because I am such a naive romantic, who despite everything in the past, believes that really, love should be enough. And clearly, J. doesn't believe this.

I cry at the thought of letting him go. We haven't been able to make love because my body is just - rejecting him, because it's putting up walls whether I want it to or not. It's as though something just clicked last night, my body and my heart said, "Okay, this is it, time to start protecting yourself" and that was that. It's frustrating. J. is understanding and warm and loving and kind and sweet and compassionate and funny and just - I want to keep him forever.

I was fired today.

I had been at my job for a week short of a year. I loved the people I served, I enjoyed the tasks I did. I did not enjoy my supervisor (hired in March) and had a love/hate relationship with my CEO (hired in September). They knew I was planning to leave in August to go back to school, but wanted to stay through the summer, and was planning to give them as much notice as humanly possible - bare minimum two weeks.

They cited "poor performance reviews and repeated warnings", which are both absolutely false. I had my annual review early, in March, which I have a copy of. In this review, my CEO writes "I have seen great improvement" and "I appreciate your pleasant attitude in working with our clients and staff", concluding with "Congratulations on a successful year" and gives me a raise. No criticism. The next review was a few weeks later, when our Director of Operations was in place, and he only went over my job duties to gain a better understanding. Again - no warnings, no criticisms. Good review. While my letter of dismissal states "with cause" and that I won't be receiving any notice or pay in lieu, they are in fact giving me two weeks pay in lieu of notice.

I am sending a letter to our Board of Directors, to clear up these "misconceptions" and to express my concern about the lack of staffing consistency. Since December, five permanent staff members have left - quit, been fired, gone on stress leave or early maternity leave. It's really suspicious, considering we only have nine permanent staff members in total.

I am sad, and angry. Every other staff member was informed I was going to be fired in a staff meeting that I was not included in, before I was dismissed formally. My pride is hurt. I am going to miss volunteers and clients that I have relationships with, that I value dearly. And I worry - I worry because I really think that my former place of employment is going down the shitter, and has been for months. And with every staff member my former bosses let go (people who were there for the people they serve as opposed to political reasons or a corporate "productivity" mentality) it disintegrates further.

Complications. Unhappiness. Twisty insides. Mistrust. Fear.

Those are the emotions of the day. Things are not so great with J. and I right now. I have worked out what I need to do and how I feel, and I am presenting my feelings and needs to him later tonight, but there will be no solutions for several days. In the meantime, I'm planning many early morning workouts and evening runs, dates with friends and private late night crying sessions. It will all be okay in the end, because what's meant to be will obviously be.

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.

Yeah, life is beautiful.
Our hearts, they beat and break.


If falling in love requires ten steps, I am very much afraid to admit I have already taken one or two.

I cannot think of J. without smiling. Cannot see him without wanting to place a hand on his cheek. Cannot sit beside him without wanting to curl myself next to his body and inhale his scent. I want to share myself with him, mentally and emotionally, to lay myself bare. I have never wanted to be quite so honest and vulnerable with another person, but I trust him completely. Even though it is a bit complicated, I trust him completely.

He remembers everything I tell him. Likes and dislikes. Stories. Things that happened last week in dance class. He pays attention. He is nurturing, masculine, individual, strong and intelligent. He encourages me and builds me up, makes me feel cared for and desired and just - fantastic, in every sense a human being can feel fantastic.

This is what I came home to:


"Dear Tenant:

Please be advised that the ownership of the apartment building has been sold, and as of April 15, 2008, Norma will no longer be the Landlord. At this present time we do not have any contact numbers from the new owners but will forward these details to you when they are provided. We are expecting the transition to proceed flawless and will keep everyone informed as information is received.

Sincerely,

Aberlour Holdings Limited"



Now, I knew this would happen, but the tone saddens and frightens me. Norma and Ron (Ron who died a few weeks ago) where personal landlords. A note like this would have been address to me personally, and handed to me. Not "Dear Tenant" and stuck on the door knocker. And no contact numbers "at this time" for the new owners? That is a bad bad bad omen, I'm sorry.

I have thought about this situation over the last month. What do I do? I will stay here as long as I possibly can, but this city is not renter-friendly right now. I can handle some rent increase, but not more than about $100/month. I will not buy if they convert us to condos. Basically - if I'm handed a massive rent increase, or a notice that we're going condo, I'm being forced out of my city at this point. Bye bye plans to go back to school in the fall. Bye bye friends. I've talked to my mom and stepdad - in that situation, I'll be hopping on a plane and moving back East.

I HATE this fucking city right now.

I finally got my CD back from K. today in the mail. Upon seeing the envelope and his handwriting, I burst into tears.

It's over, eh? He has left the city, the last two years of my life, that love-chapter - kaput, fini. I am "workin' on something new", I am working on ME, but I am still unbelievably sad in this moment. I am sad for my hands, that still remember what it feels like to be meshed with his. I am sad for my body, which still remembers what it feels like to be entwined and enveloped in his warmth. I am just sad sad sad, because I don't want to remember these things, I want to be excited about the new.

I have decided I can't have any contact with him at all anymore. No more email. Nada.

I had a huge compliment today, from my dance teacher. This morning's class was very, very small - only 4 people made it (I guess no one was up for African dance bright and early on a Saturday morning). So, we all had good instruction and face time. Afterwards, P. and I were getting ready to leave, when our teacher came over to us and told us how well we're doing and how much he enjoys having us in the class. We're always laughing and goofing around, and apparently we remind him of village life in Ghana, where he's from. We were both totally chuffed by the compliment and promised to continue our antics for him!

Sadness.

I have two elderly landlords, Ron and Norma. They are both beautiful, beautiful people, like my surrogate grandparents out West. Ron threatens to beat up any man who treats me poorly and lets me know that "they know what time my boyfriend left last weekend". I love them so much. Norma makes me smile everytime I hear her voice.

Ron died suddenly this afternoon. I am so sad that such a beautiful soul won't be here anymore. I saw him last Friday night at my door. I was embarrassed because I'd been running and was sweaty and icky and didn't chat with him for as long as I wish I had. I didn't know it was goodbye.

My heart breaks for Norma.

I am in such a contented, change-filled place in my life. Single, my everyday friends are changing, I'm pulling in new activities and interests and just loving every second.

Spring is here and I feel full of fresh air and sunshine. I start African dance classes this week with my friend P. How awesome is that going to be? Twice a week we get to let loose, dancing barefoot with a live drummer. We've also got a lead on some private East Indian cooking classes, and I'm inundating myself with Bollywood music. I love love love Bollywood music.

I've been going for walks with K., someone I was in class with last semester. I love her to pieces and she feels like another half of myself. There is a volunteer at work that has caught my eye (male, handsome, from Mozambique, and smells divine). I am also reconnecting with a former coworker from years ago, who studied in my degree, who has gone through some similar life experiences as I have and I am really excited to catch up with and spend some time with him. I had the biggest, madded crush on him when we worked together and I am anxious to see how he's doing.

Life, in short, feels special and wonderful. I am grateful right now for the gift of being single.

This breaks my heart. There is so much hatred in the world.

I decided against meeting for coffee at any point with K. before he moves. What's the point? I haven't forgiven him. I don't want to hear about his trip. I am still attracted to him and love him though, so it could only lead to pain, and sadness, and make getting over him harder. Therefore - bad idea to see him or even unblock his phone number.

I also took a stand against the tone of the emails flying back and forth. In short, I am tired of feeling defensive, angry, frustrated - anything.

I re-found one of my favourite songs today! Perfect for this time in my life! It's "Emancipate Myself" by Thirsty Merc.


Every breath you ta..

As if I'd sing that song to you,
you probably think you deserve it at the present time
But if only you knew how you treated me
when we were together then you might understand.

Remember the time you made me wait for a month when you had exams, which I was cool about
but then the night you finished you barred me from all your plans
and you went out with other people.

Now I'll always give you the benefit of the doubt
and I think there's enough natural maturity floating around for the tension and release time to even out between two people like you and me.

And I've been thinking and since we've broken up
I've realised things were mostly in your favour
and a normal person wouldn't put up with this
but for some stupid reason I don't wanna move on.

And now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

Now I gotta say that all of this is coming down on me like a tonne of bricks at this present time,
I don't have much cash,
I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life.

But I think a lot of people would agree that all you need is a feeling of freedom
and when you're in emotional limbo, everything you think about and do is filtered through that.

But I don't wanna make you unhappy or jealous in any way
because ultimately in life it's your own choice who you surround yourself with,
and I'm responsible for those things too.

And I've treated people badly at times in relationships
and maybe what you're doing is some kind of payback for all those past lives,
but that also doesn't change the fact that

Now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself
There's no spirit to find me
And no wishing well
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

Set me free
Alright
I've gotta get myself out of this thing
If its the last thing i ever do

So whatcha gonna do now?
What you gonna keep me hanging on or something are you?
You gonna keep me hanging on (x4)

'Cos I have a feeling it's all in my own mind and if i have anything to do with it
knowing me I enjoy putting myself through this kind of trauma to a degree, How 'bout you?
Thought so

Maybe you shouldn't call me anymore because I need some time to get to know myself again,
then once again we say it's final then I'm gonna miss you even more, even the most.

I don't want you to know that I'm missing you,
yeah let's establish even more of a communication breakdown and then wonder why later on all the honesty and trust is gone between us.

Now I'm stuck in a moment
It's bad for my health
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself
There's no spirit to find me
And no wishing well
Well I'm gone
If I don't emancipate myself

Got to get out
Well this things been going on for too long baby
And i've got to do something for myself for a while
Cos you've been treating me so bad for so long
And it just can't go on, it can't go on.

Well I don't want you calling me on the telephone,
and i don't wanna see your face no more
Yeah thats right

Most days, I can feel the healing happening. Some days this week, I have felt almost euphoric. Freedom. Single. No more sense of manipulation, no more roller coaster of emotions. No one saying, "Move with me" one moment and then not calling for days the next, no one blaming my fluctuating responses for their signals. No other party able to turn their love on and off like a cold water tap.

But I am sad. Because this weekend is the one K. and I had set aside for our final date. This is the weekend we'd planned to celebrate our relationship and all of the good we'd had and seen in each other, and to say a proper goodbye before he moved, if I wasn't going with him. A romantic dinner at our restaurant. A bottle of wine. Long gazes. A walk? It's warm enough. A long, romantic night at his townhouse. Until that drunken email from Mexico ruined it. And I woke up gloomy again today, knowing what this weekend was supposed to be. The Beatles are on repeat on my iTunes, I have a monstrous stress pimple, and I have been crying again. Thanks, K. But, all the same -

I'm free. I feel like shit, but I'm free.

I am sad. So sad. I went on a date last night, with a man who is lovely, who treated me so well, with whom I laughed and drank wine and shared loves and interests, and who was only trying to cheer me up and make me smile again - and the whole night, the cells in my body screamed, "You're with the wrong man! Where is K.?" It didn't help that I took him to the place that was special and private for K. and I, in a misguided attempt to reclaim it.

At one point during dinner, I had to excuse myself to cry in the washroom. It was okay, and my friend-date didn't know (I don't think) but still. I am finally acknowledging the fact that along with my anger, I have a broken heart. K. has broken my heart twice. Shame on me for letting him.

Last night reminded me of a song, by A Fine Frenzy - I've loved it for a couple of months and didn't realize it'd be so prophetic for where I'd be now:

Near to You

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Today, I am feeling the sadness. After days of laughing, of anger, of being amazed at how the story of this breakup spreads and inspires anger even in women I don't know (and mass apologies from men I don't) - I had dreams all night of the good times between K. and I. And I woke up with gut-wrenching sadness spreading its way through my body like a nasty gastrointestinal bug.

I am angry with myself for crying, because every tear is one he doesn't deserve from me. But maybe I deserve it from myself. Mourning the loss of my standards and beliefs, that I set aside, allowing myself to be tossed around so much emotionally, to be deceived so much for the last six months, bullied verbally and manipulated emotionally. I deserve my own tears even when he doesn't.

Well, the second chance is over. The crying, the mean comments, the flirting with other women, the wondering, the loving - it's done.

Yesterday, he sent an email that basically screamed "I love the shooter girls! I am the life of the resort! I want to stay here longer!" I knew then there'd be no happy ending and was only clinging to hope for a peaceful one.

Until today, when, in true K. style, I got an email out of the blue. I don't know if he finally read an email he received a week ago or if he decided he wanted to sleep with someone else (which honestly, seems far more likely) but he claims he's "freaked out" that I love him and that his moving is going to be so hard (although he's said so many times that the only people it's going to be hard to leave are me and his uncle) and that if I love him like this then it's only going to make it worse so he doesn't want to see me.

I told him I was more than ready to move on, that I am fed up with his selfish bullshit, that he has treated me like shit since we got back together and I regret giving him a second chance. True, True, Mostly true, and True. Had he been in front of me, I would have hit him. Only the most cowardly, selfish, pathetic excuse for a man sends an email from his vacation in Mexico, the day before Valentine's Day, to break up with his (on and off) girlfriend of a year and a half. Who he just proclaimed he loved, over and over again, a couple of weeks ago.

He isn't a man. And I suddenly see the reality of what he is. I want nothing, nothing, to do with him. I had an urge to cry and shake and melt into nothing for about twenty minutes - and then, I went out and spent a beautiful three hours celebrating a friend's birthday. I am home, and I am shaking, but with anger - anger that I wasted precious time and emotion on this - this rodent.

I also am planning a trip to the jewelry store, to have the necklace he gave converted into something that doesn't make me want to vomit at it's sight.

Happy Birthday to me!

I feel this urge to be reflective, to assess what I have and what I have done over the last 27 years, to figure out which parts of me need to be rekindled and nurtured. I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now. I think I may delve back into my writing. I wrote constantly when I was younger, until the day I graduated from high school - for Chrissakes, I'm nationally published, which I think is pretty damn awesome. But it's as though when I graduated, I dropped my pen because I didn't see how writing would fit into my future. It's time to give it a place again.

Although I'm still virus-ridden and don't have big plans for tonight (ah well, I celebrated last week), I have had a pretty amazing day. I saw my massage therapist of - six years? He always makes me smile, and today, in between sniffing and coughing, I finally introduced him to my very incredible laugh. Walking home, I stopped to grab a coffee at my favourite coffee shop in the city. And then, a random handsome stranger decided to chat me up as I finished the walk.

I am content. Nearing 30, feeling the need to truly become an adult, settle into my place in the world - but incredibly content with who I am.